Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Biggest Myth About Successful Relationships

Perhaps the biggest myth about relationships is that you need to find the 'perfect' person. Let me explain why this is not only beyond your control, but also a waste of energy and focus.

For a start no one is perfect, no matter what the movies may try and tell us. Forcing the universe to create that special someone is placing the responsibility outside of ourselves. Instead we can regain much more control over the success of our relationships by changing what we can control, ourselves.

We all want to be loved. It is perhaps the biggest 'pay off' of having a relationship. Yet it is very difficult to feel loved if we don't first love our self. Simply put if we don't love our self first then it is very difficult, if not impossible, to believe that someone else can love us.

This is also the course of most arguments, let me explain... We all want to be loved, yet to feel loved we first need to feel accepted, to feel accepted we first need to feel understood. If we do not fully love and accept our self then we will try to get the other person to see life our way. This comes from the erroneous assumption that if we can get them to agree with us they will understand us, accept us and therefore love us.

Instead we will find more success in all our relationships if we seek first to understand and second to be understood. When we make the other person feel understood and therefore accepted they will feel more relaxed, connected and loved.

They will then become more understanding of you as they no longer feel threatened or judged. This one simple technique alone will enhance the quality and potential of all relationships.

One of the biggest causes of anxiety is social awkwardness. It is why drinking and drug taking are so common. It helps alleviates our fear and gives us a medium to connect to and relate to others, albeit a very artificial one.

Once we learn to love and accept ourselves we no longer need the approval of others, it is simply a welcome bonus. This enables us to build relationships on things that are true to us instead of the social crutches of drinking, smoking, food and drugs.

Too many people end up in relationships that reflect their needs. If they are needy and insecure they will attract partners who reflect this. This makes for a co-dependent relationship rather than a mutually beneficial one. Instead of seeking love from outside, first find it from within you.

Once you do this your professional, personal and intimate relationships will all improve, and the impossible search for the perfect partner will no longer become quite so impossible.

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